Even More VSDs
by NatzandtheRatz
Summary: Cassie Claire stopped doing VSDs, so I took it upon myself to make some more. Hope you enjoy! Begins with Gimli's VSD, part two. (PG-13 rating cos of languauge)
1. Gimli's VSD, part two

**THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI, PART II**

**Day One:**

Running across Rohan with Aragorn and Legolas. V thankful for shortness of Dwarf legs, as slow running gives me prime Legolas-arse watching position. Go Gimli!

**Day Eight:**

Met up with Eomer and his horsey posse. Argh. Butch blonde-types so annoying. Slightly cheered up by Legolas leaping to my defense when Eomer got all perverse with me. Legolas radically butch for a moment. Worried me and Aragorn, but he soon returned to form with a slap fight with Eomer over who has the silkiest hair. Phew.

In other news: hobbits apparently dead. Bother. Never did get to shag Pippin. It seems I was the only one who didn't.

**Day Ten:**

Borders of Fangorn forest. Legolas refused to enter, whining about moldy atmosphere being bad for his skin. Aragorn rolled his eyes in masculine fashion. Legolas fainted in bliss. Think Aragorn is contemplating throwing himself off cliff if Legolas becomes any more lovesick. Hope he does. Leaves the way clear for me! Legolas' ass becoming more alluring day by day.

**Day Eleven:**

Well, who would've believed it? Gandalf is back, with domestic-cleaning product sponsorship deal apparently, because he has become sparkly and shiny, but with lack of pointy hat. Jodo would be less-than-thrilled, methinks.

Reassured us that hobbits are still very much alive, Aragorn 'pervy-hobbit-fancier' son of Arathorn over the moon. Gimli is slightly happier to know he still has a chance with Pippin.

**Day Twelve:**

In Edoras. Miffed. I had a good chance of getting laid with Wormtongue, but Gandalf had to go and throw him out of the country. Wormtongue ran off back to Isengard. Curses. I was so in there.

Legolas contemplating suicide, not due to poke bonnet, but Eowyn. Not only is she prettier than him, but has a much better chance with Aragorn, especially now Eomer has been banished.

**Day Thirteen:**

Theoden useless leader, despite ingenious Eomer banishing law. Instead of fighting Saruman, he plans to run away to secret refuge of Helm's Deep, during rainy season, too. Suspect it is really an underhand plot by Eowyn to get Aragorn to wash his hair.

Gandalf pissed off with Theoden's uselessness. Gone off to find Eomer. If I knew he was that desperate, I wouldn't have minded... Ah well. Legolas' still available.

**Day Fourteen:**

Sick of Eowyn throwing herself at Aragorn so blatantly. If carries on, Legolas likely to become psychotic, hurt someone seriously. Most likely Eowyn. Was forced to distract her with Dwarf anecdotes today, but to no avail, as fell off damn horse in the process, leaving poor clueless Aragorn to fend for himself with hormonally challenged princess.

**Day Fifteen:**

Suspect Aragorn not so clueless after all, but secretly enjoying Eowyn's attention. Has he forgotten completely about Arwen? Maybe this is his way of getting her back for that fling she had with me at the Council of Elrond. Humans hold such a grudge.

**Day Sixteen:**

Turned to drastic measures on the Aragorn/Eowyn front. Was forced to bribe an orc to drag Aragorn off a cliff today to prevent Eowyn snogging his face off. Phew. Gimli is so resourceful. Legolas grateful too, as Eowyn looking mopey. Legolas' motto: if he can't have Aragorn, neither can anyone else.

**Day Twenty:**

Gimli is useless. Should've realized from experience- cliffs have no effect on Aragorn. He waltzed back into Helm's Deep today, looking as hot and sweaty and generally grubby as usual. Legolas nearly passed out at the sheer testosterone of it all.

But bad news, seems that enormous Uruk-hai army heading this way. Aragorn all for running away, but Theoden determined to make final brave stand. At least Eowyn's out of the way in a cave somewhere. Don't know how I'd keep Aragorn and her apart in the heat of battle.

**Day Twenty... Later:**

Stuck like glue to Aragorn, to keep him away from Eowyn. He probably thinks I fancy him too now but no matter. Not like he isn't used to it, anyway, what with Legolas and Eowyn.

Elrond sent hottie elven warriors to help against Uruk-hai. Clearly just trying to remind Aragorn that he is dating his daughter, and can't go off with Eowyn. Gimli is pissed off, however, as now have Haldir's advances to cope with as well as Eowyn's and Legolas'. Grrr.

**Day Twenty One:**

Yay! We won! Never thought I'd be glad to see Eomer and Gandalf. Aragorn doesn't share my sentiments though. Jealous, as not only has he received suggestive post card from Faramir in Osgiliath, but Eomer and Legolas disappeared during post-battle party. Seems Aragorn shares Legolas' motto concerning unavailable boyfriends. Ah well, my job is easier, as Haldir is dead, Legolas preoccupied with Eomer, and Eowyn 'accidentally' left in cave. Nothing to do with me, heh heh. Feel a 'go Gimli' approaching!


	2. Arwen's VSD, part two

**The Very Secret Diary of Arwen, part II**

**Day One:**

Fellowship been away for absolutely ages now. V lonely. Desperate for male attention of any kind, even that of the hobbit-obsessed. Why has Gimli never called? Do not understand. Perhaps is dead. Or maybe seeing Legolas. Would explain it.

**Day Two:**

Daddy being all weird ever since Council. Claims it is because fate of Middle-earth rests on tiny gay men but secretly know it is because everyone in Middle-earth and his fell beast keep telling Daddy purple is not his colour. Whatever the reason, cannot cope with deranged parents for long. May be forced to emigrate back to Valinor at this rate.

**Day Three:**

'Borrowed' Daddy's telepathic skillz to catch up on Fellowship today. Only three of them left. Complete mystery as to how Legolas survived huge fight with Uruk-hai while Boromir did not. Suspect foul play involved.

Meanwhile, Aragorn still not big on the hair washing front, but has souped up his angst-o-meter. Got all screamy when learned smallest hobbits were dead. Not that I mind the pervy-hobbit-fancying anymore, too desperate to be fussy at the moment.

**Day Four:**

Gandalf made his triumphant return. Did not even realize he was meant to be dead. Remainder of Fellowship clearly impressed by Gandalf's new look. Idiots. All he does is bleach his robes and get rid of that awful pointy hat and they think he's some kind of god-sent force of good. Anyhoo, they're off to Rohan. Great. Expect more heroic whinging from Eomer et al any day now.

**Day Five:**

Fellowship in Edoras, Gandalf exorcized Theoden, blah blah yadda yadda. Only important thing is skanky ho Eowyn, throwing herself at **my** pervy hobbit fancier. Knew should've killed her at our last girlie coffee morning. Or at least chopped large parts of her hair off.

**Day Seven:**

Knew Gimli was good for something other than meaningless retaliation-sex. Totally working his butt off to keep Eowyn away from Aragorn. Must remind self to hug him when am wife of King of Gondor.

**Day Eight:**

Take it all back. Gimli an idiot. Useless Dwarf decided best way to keep Aragorn and Eowyn apart was to push Aragorn off cliff. Honestly. Will never get any action if it carries on like this. Time for a bit of telepathic rescuing on my behalf, I think.

**Day Nine:**

Managed to save Aragorn with telepathic smoochies, but before could get any further Daddy walked in, dressed head to toe in purple with deranged look in his eye. That does it. Off to Valinor. Can't stay with these half-elven idiots much longer. Although have kept telepathic powers to keep up with Fellowship gossip, naturally.

**Day Eleven:**

En route to Valinor. Daddy insisted on sending snobby elf escorts with me. Idiot. Went along with it to keep him quiet.

On Fellowship front, heroes have congregated in Helm's Deep with graceful Lothlorien warriors, including Haldir, also intent on throwing himself at my boyfriend. Grrr. May redirect to Rohan for killing of competition, and to remind Aragorn that I still exist.

**Day Thirteen:**

Gandalf saved the day at Helm's Deep. Amazingly, Legolas still alive after giant battle. More that can be said for Haldir. That'll teach him for flirting with other women's boyfriends. Gimli locked Eowyn in underwater cave. Go him!

Aragorn most definitely knows I exist again, as showed up at victory party in Helm's Deep with hobbit costume. Aragorn stunned. Along with everybody else. Ah well, whatever it takes. Arwen Undomiel is not above kinkiness to keep boyfs interested.

Unfortunately, still had to leave, as have paid for ticket to Valinor. Aragorn upset. Slight understatement. Aragorn manically depressed. Clung onto my foot and wouldn't budge for two hours when I tried to exit Helm's Deep. Think may have overdone it a little with the hobbit costume, as he has become rather possessive. Had to do unspeakable things to distract him before I could escape. Will return of course, but not until after spa and beauty treatment in Undying Lands. Want to look my prettiest for big wedding day. Legolas jealous. Ha!


	3. Eowyn's VSD

**The Very Secret Diary of Eowyn of Rohan**

**Day One**

Hurrah! Just got holiday pics back from Spring Break in Lothlorien. Am overjoyed, as had same pink bikini as all elves, and still look hotter in it than they do! Even look better in it than Celeborn did in his! Yay me!

In other news, Uncle slowly crusting over. No biggie, as will no doubt be easier to extract pocket money from him.

**Day Two**

Hate brother. Hate him. Just because he cannot pull off pink bikini, he sends all pics of me to Shield Maidens Gone Wild mag. Spiteful brother. Although if pics are published he will be worse off as will prove I am hot enough to get in Shield Maidens Gone Wild. Ha ha.

**Day three**

Shield Maidens Gone Wild plan backfired. Uncle's new PA arrived, who happens to have greasy hair, toad-like personality and lifelong subscription to SMGW magazine. Spent all day running away from him, and was forced to use pocket money to buy new locks for bathroom. Not a happy princess.

Hated brother laughing big stupid aardvark-esque head off.

**Day Four**

Am cleverest princess ever! Promised greasy PA I'd show him all of my holiday pics if he banished Hated Big Brother. Never seen anyone banished so quickly.

Joke was on Greasy PA, as presented him with bumper photo album filled with shots of Haldir in Speedos. And I quote: "mua ha ha haaa"

**Day Four... later**

Beginning to regret banishment of brother, as resulted in being alone in cold palace with crusty zombie uncle and either a really ugly PA or a really hot Orc, cannot decide which.

**Day Six**

Yay! Hottie elf, trampy human man, bushy haired midget and sparkly white wizard type showed up to kick greasy PA's ass, heal uncle, restore rightful king etc.

Pros: Am hotter than Legolas, Greasy PA far, far away

Cons: Pocket money considerably lessened, curses, and also going to war with Saruman. Ooh, and pink bikini missing! Suspect Legolas is thief. At least, hope Legolas is thief. Will not imagine Gandalf in bikini, will not will not will not...

**Day Eight**

En route to Helm's Deep. Uncle keeps muttering: 'am not retreating, am relocating etc etc'. Joy. Crustiness replaced with psychotic dementia. Ah well. All rulers get a little funky around Uncle's age. Note to self; keep uncle away from flammable items. Remember full well birthday party incident in Gondor, when Steward got a little pyromania on us when asked to light candles on cake.

Trampy human man keeps trying to talk to me. Pfft. Why do I only attract the greasy ones? Why?!?

**Day Nine**

Gimli informs me trampy human man in fact One True King, destined to be rich and famous and get a record deal with Simon Cowell, etc etc. Suddenly seems less trampy. Devilishly attractive, in fact...

**Day Nine... later**

Curses. Apparently have competition for Attractively trampy human man. Either that, or he just likes to wear women's jewelry. Not sure which explanation I want to be true...

**Day Ten**

Sigh. Another one bites the dust. Attractively trampy human man took early bath. Literally. In big river. Legolas took it hard. Sobbed continually for two hours. Clearly just good friends with Aragorn. Clearly.

**Day Twelve**

Ah, Helm's Deep. Only place in Middle Earth to smell like a swimming pool. Or is that just the soldiers?

Uncle happy. Keeps crowing on about how Saruman will never get in here, cos 'He'd need an army of a gazillion super-strong uber-Orcs, and then magic super high-tech weapons to even get a chance', to quote Uncle.

**Day Twelve... later**

Hurrah! Return of Aragorn!!

Pro: Aragorn easier to seduce if he's alive

Con:' army of a gazillion super-strong uber-Orcs, with magic super high-tech weapons' on way to kill us all.

Which will really wreck my weekend plans

**Day Thirteen**

Locked in cave by Gimli. Beginning to suspect he wants me away from Aragorn. Gasp! He wants him to himself! Argh, is no-one impervious to his greasy, royal charms?

**Day Thirteen... later**

Still in cave. Losing battle. Can tell cos of Legolas' shrieking from waaay above

**Day Thirteen... even later**

Still in cave. Won battle. Oddly enough, Legolas' victory shrieks not drastically different to losing shrieks.

**Day Fourteen**

Still in cave. Hungry.


End file.
